D-mn d-mn d-mn d-mn d-mn

I simply am not a nice person. I can't even come in and say "Hello," no - I go all silent and defensive. And you know the frustrating thing? I even apologized twice this afternoon - and forced myself to make some semblance of small talk this evening and...had they just told me that I needed to leave, that they were in the middle of a conversation...! But I have been told the conversation didn't end at a horrible place - but that I was rude and cold. After, I should add, being assured six hours earlier that I am not rude and cold. And now certain radars will be up about my R&Cedness so that I can be less of a pest, apparently. The monks have it right. And I am far too like my students with this current whining. My one consolation this night is Alec Guiness' memoirs. Thank God for other irascible Catholic artists who loathe their own inability to subsume the ever-present Ego. Yet if he can strive to do so, so can I.

Simply put, though, I think I must admit that all my current brand of stupidity stems from residual - and real - melodrama. I am affixed to the second tier of Purgatory, with all its pettiness. And the ever-increasing sense, most likely fixed solely in my own imagination, that upon the second party's part is the greatest and escalating sense of relief that I am not The One. And with that, concurrently, is the sense that he is right in a far more finite and general sense. And concurrent with that is the almost certain - and again, most likely absurd - notion that my very presence is distasteful. Which, in turn, makes me feel (although not be in reality) trapped within my own home. More than anything, I feel as though I might be summed up as, "Good riddance to bad rubbish."

Discarded, passed-over
By one once sought
And now no longer desired
Except to be in good graces
Which goodness
Which graces
Slip
Fade
Vanish.

And all this - alas! - after a surprisingly restful rehearsal. (Tangent...or return? I think a lot of this stems from simply misunderstanding of importance of things in each other's lives. In the dangling conversation....) Most of it was spent with Moe practicing with the entire cast, while I got to know Grace. And then I grabbed the gangsters and ran them through lines and character stuff. I think I must have seemed extremely sphinxish to them - and I must remind myself of my first impression of my Shakespeare tutors ("No, no, no, darling! Put a capital letter on it, that's a dear"). Def. rehearsals for the next three Fridays. We might as well round it out, eh? (Tangental return, again: Feeeeeeeeeeeeling! Nothing more than feeeeeeeeelings! Whoa whoa whoa.)

I think that I need to simply call a friend. Yet all my evenings are taken up! Money may need to be laid out to make a daytime call. A rather violent, and yet philologically displaced swear-word burbles to my lips. I shall not speak it. I'm going to go to sleep, if I can (couldn't last night), and pray that I can rise for Mass. I need Mass. Perhaps I also need to move out. For why? So I can truly be in relation to no one? Become a dramatic Miss Haversham? Have no money in truth? Leave my family penniless? Oh, GOD! What is a wretch like me to do? (And even as I write that and run my fingers through my hair, the absurd and wonderfully common thought arises: like me or like I?) Ego, little ego, get you down. Humility, come and be my bedfellow. Teach me how to smile when I am tired, how to be pleasant when I am sad, how to be kindly when I am seething, how to be gentle when I speak, how to be patient when I listen, how to give with no hope of return, how to be with no desire for shining. Oh, God, let me not be anathema. Give me Your gifts and fruits. Comfort me and mould me; make me like You. Mary, conceived without sin, pray for us who have recourse to thee.

Mood: Voir en haute
Music: None, nor never none shall be
Thought: How the quick, casual word can change an entire evening.
Why not? Draconish. *sigh* Yup.


You are Long-wang!

Mythological Background: Yes, the dragon represents
everything you think of when you think of a
dragon - fearsome and invincible. Also, it is
greatly respected just because of that fact.
The dragon has a very protective aspect to it.
Even Jupiter reminds you of intense smashing
power. The dragon is almost always surrounded
by rain-bearing clouds and fog; and the
appearance of its constellation always signals
rainfall and lightning. It's also a symbol of
authority worn by the nobility and the imperial
class. Japanese Name: Seiryuu.


Which Chinese Mythological Being Are You?
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