The sporadic ramblings of Emily C. A. Snyder - devoted to God, theatre, writing, and much randominity.

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Location: New York, New York, United States

Artistic Director and Co-Founder of TURN TO FLESH PRODUCTIONS. | Author of "Nachtstürm Castle," "Niamh and the Hermit." | Playwright: "Cupid and Psyche," "Math for Actors." | Classical director and educator.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Hilarity is Good

The same can't necessarily be said for hysteria but.... The past few rehearsals (specifically yesterday's and today's) have been literally full of my students laughing out loud, rolling on the floor. It's been a bit of an impediment regarding time, but hilarious nonetheless and I'd trade it for nothing. It's good to laugh.

Huge business ahead (when isn't there?). Finished up second of three retreats today. Stiff and tired after running around with the students outside - although it was really good to get exercise, and more importantly it led to fruitful discussion afterwards re: the nature of trust. So, there's that. Now just the Freshmen remain. Friday is the Lion King. Must needs cancel voice so that I have SOME time to get myself together for the play. Rehearsal tomorrow until 4:15 and then back at 6:00 for the next rehearsal. Yeah. Finishing up printing madrigal sheet music for tomorrow. Remembered to fill up tank with gas tonight. Also purchased milk - one gallon, enough to suffice until tomorrow's descent upon Victory supermarkets.

Alles gut. Last night and this the sky was ultramarine. Glorious, deep, rich blue like Mary's mantle spread out across the sky. Contrasting this stands the glorious tree next to our little mobile classrooms that's half brilliant scarlet, fading into gold and green. I felt as though I were in Pisa again, about to reach up at the hostel and grasp grapes off the vine. I felt like I were breathing the free air again. I sang, "Hail Mary" which seemed insufficient. I needed to run through tall grass beneath that sky. I needed to fall into careless piles of crinkled leaves in nature's startling hues. I felt very close to Heaven.

There is simply too much to be done all well. At the beginning of the year, I was certain that this would spell the end of my time in this current position - I simply couldn't go on another year with this pressure. The pressure hasn't lessened - it's only been prolonged: it's stress taffy - but it's become bearable. And more, the message seems to be coming back repeatedly that I am still meant to be where I am, that this is not impossible, that it is achievable, and most importantly my love for it has been renewed.

Today, whilst the kids were being trustwalked (or trust left to stand alone for a bit) I saw one student who had been led to stand in an open shed for a while. Some of the others who were out in the open where they might have spoken and so easily walked one to another (only three actually did) seemed more lost than she, although she was further apart from any of them. Since I had not led her out, and since I had two other students I was leading, I let one of the other leaders decide when to take her out and back into the main room. But as I finished with one group and got the next, I noticed she was still there. Still there, and calm, peaceful, seemingly contented with being led blindly there to stay there. And I was struck with the thought that I was meant to be like that: that, indeed, serenity comes from being where we are placed, even when the world says, "Move move move!"

I feel, in some respects, like I'm stumbling blind, like they were today. But then, we've all been stumbling blind all our lives. As the Jewish view of trusting God goes, we walk backwards to see our past, holding onto His hand, being guided by He who knows the path. So - once more unto the breach, dear friends! St. Paul is quite right to refer to the "armor of God." Every day is a battle - mostly within one's own self. To conquor one's own demons is foremost. Lord, guide me. Lord, my life is in Your hands. Amen.

Mood: Sleepy. But good sleepy.
Music: Flannel Collage. I didn't feel like putting in a new CD. And it suits me well enough.
Thought: "I cannot make my days longer, but I can make them better" ~ Thoreau


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