Damn damn damn damn damn

And I do mean that word. What in the world is this year coming to? No, it's not my computer - that's actually working fine. Not school either - it continues. Not Orange M&M's - that's proceeding along customary lines. Not even Pirates or home or anything...in particular.

Things are falling apart. Or so they feel.

Here, I've finally got my laptop back. I'm actually editing (praise You, GOD! =) - and it's going along well. But....

I'm afraid I had to disappoint Jules. We had hoped to go to see the trilogy of LOTR on the 16th of December. She didn't call this morning and secure the tickets. I was at this little thing called school. We checked it out after dinner and Boston and Worcester are sold out and I simply can't take off TWO WHOLE DAYS for LOTR. We'd have to go to West Springfield which would mean that we'd have to leave at 11:00 a.m. at the latest, so going to school wouldn't really be an option (because we'd REALLY want to leave around 7 or 8 am to get a good place in line). And then to return around four or five in the morning, sleep for an hour, teach school and THEN go to a leads' rehearsal for Pirates? I don't think so. I'm going to need all my wits for those Wed. rehearsals - a tired director is a bad director, and every rehearsal is precious time.

Anyway, so Jules just looked utterly crushed. But what can I do? I have obligations to others. LOTR is, alas, low down on the priority - although I wish it were otherwise. Jules says she doesn't blame me, but then I read her journal and...hahahha...riiiiiiight. I may be absolved somewhat in her mind, but she is not doing well.

And it's frustrating. I'd like to hang out more with her, but I also have all these obligations, all these things I'm doing, not to mention that I just want to be ALONE right after school. I get rather anti-social after being perky teacher all day long. I'm slightly herimatical by nature. I like my own company, and I need my own company in order to be ready for the next day. In the Meyers-Briggs test (is that the name?) I'm exactly on the line for extrovert/introvert - exactly.

Oh, whatever. That's not the point. The point is that Julie's not doing well. And so I feel guilty being here and recouping for tomorrow, for finally working on Bearskin. And yet I'm trying to conserve money because I'm so low after this summer, and I have all these expenses, and going out with Jules is a double expense because I always have to cover whatever we do - or at the very least it's gas money and that adds up, too.... Gah. I'll just have to find something we can do together - some hour that she isn't working and I'm awake and feeling sociable.

But, Lord, is this really necessary? Things are so tense at this house. Dad lost the little work he had. Mom's on edge again because of that. Julie's apparently going into a depression comparing herself to others. Pete seems to be doing well - let's hope it keeps up. Lord, Lord - we really need some respite here. I know I'm telling my students that You never give anyone more than they with Your grace can handle. But would You mind maybe making this trial of emotions and finances a little easier to bear? Will You give us some light? Because it's all so many little things that ought to be everydayisms which are absolutely sinking us as a family together. Do we need to pray together? Mom tries some things - making us have dinner together, etc. - but, no, we're not behaving as a family. I suppose that's what we need to do, eh? Gah - no, even I don't want to do that. So, You've got to change my heart and give me Yours, Lord, if that's what You want. You've got to take charge here.

I love You. Please, hold us all in Your heart. Mother Mary, please pray for us.
Amen.

Mood: Perturbed
Music: Julie blasting Evanescence - better get up there quick, Em!
Thought: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!