I ought to sleep

And I will in a minute - and hopefully wake a bit earlier than usual to get all my things ready for tomorrow and tomorrow night (and tomorrow pass on in this petty pace) - but first, the need to decompress.

Adoration was much needed. To prostrate oneself before God has no comparison with any other activity.

The reason for adoration: financial situation dire. And even were all well, my income is not sufficient to support five people. Screamed myself hoarse in the car going to adoration. His time, not mine. His will, not mine.

Although, in a sense it is good to remember - or realize - that money is not everything. It is a means to an end; it is not the end itself. (Still, I sing with Tevyer!) Can we add another Lenten resolution to better budget and manage the household? Yeah.

The selfish thought that keeps creeping up is that "it's not fair" that I should be concerned with being the breadwinner for the family. Then I must think of people in far more dire straits than myself; people living in naught but abject poverty for their entire life; and I realize that I ought not complain.

The other selfish thought is that I had hoped the audience tonight would have been different than it was. In a specific, not a general sense. Still, I sat in front of Eric R. who is a delightful person to sit in front of in order to hear what jokes are working and which are not. Energy was down tonight - the long haul to get us back on track begins. I feel so distant from the cast right this second. Curious. Perhaps the audience addition is not wholly lost - either the existance of at all is not what is best, or the timing will be better in the three remaining - again, not my will. I hope, too, to see some of my past actors - I hope! In the audience.

I need encouragement. I am simply so tired, I cannot view my own work straight. And yet, this is not a plea for encouragement - rather an acknowledgement of my inability to look with impassive or non-critical eye. Lord! I need strength! Give me the strength You had to suffer what You did.

Students can be very silly sometimes. One can only hope that at some point logic will kick in. Lord love 'em. However, overall, things are going far better than expected. Praise God - I'll claim it!

As feared, Act II (from intermission) of MSND wasn't memorized much if at all. It requires much work. Blaugh. Yes, we will be working it, precious. It's not irretrievable - in fact, this is perfect timing - but I need all my actors!!! Exceedingly, in fact impossibly difficult to rehearse scenes when I play all the parts. ("Arianja's Lament" fills my mind.)

Being physically cornered while being physically against a wall is a physical position that makes me particularly hostile. Especially when one has a headache, a heartache, and a wracking cough.

I wish for clarity.

Mood: Heartsore
Music: "Just the Nearness of You" on Norah Jones' first album - suitably mellow
Thought: How long, oh Lord? How long? - a constant refrain. Amazing that we still call for Barabbus.