The sporadic ramblings of Emily C. A. Snyder - devoted to God, theatre, writing, and much randominity.

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Location: New York, New York, United States

Artistic Director and Co-Founder of TURN TO FLESH PRODUCTIONS. | Author of "Nachtstürm Castle," "Niamh and the Hermit." | Playwright: "Cupid and Psyche," "Math for Actors." | Classical director and educator.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

With shadows slowly growing

The closer to the flame I come
To warm my hands and warm my heart
The larger grows the silent beast
That mocks, and threatens to become
Far realer than the solid me.

How shall I war with that within me?
How shall I slay the shadow
That slithers o'er the wall?
Turn the lights off - turn the lights on -
Blow the scented candles out -
Embers cast no shadows,
But draw them close together.

This melancholy mockery,
This mirror with no face but flame,
This swell and this distortion
This shadow with my name.


Rather more bleak than supposed. First: Joyous Anniversaire, a tu, ma soeur! Je t'aime! Yes, Jules has joined the ranks of those of one-and-twenty years and her party was loverly tonight and best to SB who was yesterday. Next: four hour dinners with Jills are merveilleux (sp?) and v. relaxing (ah Dowager!). Last: the Buffy musical episode is fantastic, but I've had Walk Through the Fire - the BRIDGE of it no less! - lodged in my brain for a good 36 hours give or take.

Ugh - I wish I could write more freely. I wish the compromise wasn't bad poetry. Granted, I can write freely elsewhere, and will - but anywho. Silly, Emily. Soon, precious, soon (that sounds far more dire! It sounds as though I'm planning to bite off someone's digit! No, no, no). Curious, though, to find myself psychologically back where I was at the beginning of the year, cocking one eye to Heaven and asking, "When?" It's almost not a "where" or "how" - but a simple "when"? Yet, He has always been firmly definitive before with every open and shut door - I can't think that He'd vastly alter the pattern that seems to be the only one I respond to. So...when??? I feel like the dog waiting with leash in hand, panting by the locked door. (Or unlocked door? Simply the one I can't open.) Except that I don't even know what door I'm panting in front of. Neither am I sure that I'm meant to go through it. So...blindly for now....

There is a reason stream of consciousness never caught on.

I want to be full of joy and certainty and vitality at this moment! Perhaps that's why the Buffy musical is so...I don't know what...apropos right now?

Every single night
The same arrangement
I go out and fight the fight

Still I always feel
The same estrangement
Nothing here is real -
Nothing here is right.

I've been making shows
Of trading blows
Hoping no one knows
That I've been

Going through the motions
Playing my part.
Nothing seems to penetrate my...

I was always brave
And kind of righteous
Now I find I'm wavering.

Creep out of your grave
You'll find this fight just
Doesn't mean a thing
(She ain't got that swing)
Thanks for noticing.

(She does really well
With fiends from Hell
But lately we can tell
That she's just

(Going through the motions
Faking it somehow
She's not even half the girl she...

Will I stay this way forever?
Sleepwalk through my life's endeavour.
(How can I repay you?)

And I just want to be

Hokey, fun, clever - and similar. A bit over the top, but what musical isn't. In good news, seeing how Spike didn't want to go after Buffy and then did, prompted a mini-scene in my brain for Shadowblade between, who else? - Deirdre and Reid, right after she defeats the Wolf King and then is attempting to free her brothers from the dungeons before the citadel completely collapses. Reid, obviously, shows up to help her, and then complains:

"You are the most difficult girl to save."

"I didn't ask for help."

"I know. That's what makes it difficult."

Some sort of action - most likely shoving various of Deirdre's brother to safety under a tumbling archway, at which time Reid has the opportunity to say:

"Deirdre, you have my heart literally in your hands. There is no possible way that I could not have come."

"So...this is mostly a case of self-preservation?"

"So long as you insist on bringing me into danger it is!"

Of course, it'll all be far more poetic and Twelve Kingdom-ized, but it'll do.

Other good things: warm day today. Room is looking nicht so schlect. Discovered photographs I hadn't remembered I'd framed. Played the piano for myself yesterday and today and enjoyed it. Have been getting to sleep at a reasonable hour. Lent starts this week - get those resolutions going! (Decide on resolutions.) Discovered a book I'd bought that I'd forgotten I'd bought which Looks Like Fun. Cadbury Eggs are here!

Oh, I think too much. I think far too much. I must needs sleep. Da.

Mood: Oddish
Music: "I Have a Theory" from the Buffy musical a la the mental jukebox.
Thought: I have this desire to be playing pool right now. Weird.


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